I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
