Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
