I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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