pop tarts are not kleenex
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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