i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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