My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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