Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
