mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
