Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize