I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
