i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
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