Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
