Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Operation Purity has been aborted
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
