Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
