I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
