Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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