I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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