So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
