I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
