Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
