I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
