im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
