So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just googled if crying burns calories
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
