WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
