So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
