we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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