Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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