I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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