If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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