so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just pee around me
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
