I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
