My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We need a shit load of segways right now
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
