i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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