Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
