It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
