got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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