I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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