I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
this just has baby written all over it
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
