Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
