On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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