Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
