i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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