maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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