Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
