I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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