Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
