You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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