In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
