They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
