Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
