Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
