The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
