You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
