He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
