My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize