I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
